Monday, July 27, 2009

Dad Tips: Week 22

It's fun to read baby books. You get to learn all about placental placement, vaginal discharge, nipple discomfort...and there's stuff for the ladies, too!


But the best part is the dad tips. Every weekend there's a new lesson on how not to be an asshole. Based on the tips...there's lots of assholes out there. From the week 22 chapter in Your Pregnancy Week by Week:

When you ride together in the car with your partner [ed. note: not business partner. Wife], ask if you can help in any way. You may offer to assist her getting in and out of the car...Ask if she needs help adjusting her seat belt or the car seat.

...because she's going to be HUGE.

Yep, sorry husband. The days of abandoning your wife in the car as you run into the house to catch the last five minutes of the Bears game OH MY GOD THE BEARS ARE 3RD AND 4 WITH 1 MINUTES 50 TO GO IN THE FOURTH are gone. Even if you promise yourself you'll go grab her during the first commercial break, you know you'll forget. And she'll remain there, wasting away in the car, trapped in the leather bucket seats that - let's be honest - haven't gotten a guy laid since 1986. Her desperate honking will slow as the night goes on, but you can't hear it. You've lost yourself in a Jon and Kat Plus Eight marathon. Yeah, you tell you're wife you only watch the show for her, but we all know that's a lie. Hell, if it wasn't for Jon and Kate and Property Virgins, you and your wife wouldn't have spoken since the day you left the city and bought you McMansion in Bolingbrook. One episode turns to two which turns to 4 and, just like every tuesday, you're asleep in the chair.

And tomorrow, when you patiently wait at the breakfast table for your eggs, it'll start to dawn on you that you haven't seen your wife in a while. Your eyes go round with panic.

You couldn't have.

You did.

So yeah. Open the door for your wife. You'll thank yourself later.

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